


Broken Open

by sinsuality



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Carebear!Adam, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-09
Updated: 2013-04-09
Packaged: 2017-12-08 00:17:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/754754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinsuality/pseuds/sinsuality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>He closed his eyes. He saw the man. Felt his fingers on his hip. The wall against his hand it was a hard wall a cold wall it was a cold night. His eyes snapped open. He breathed out, slowly, slowly. Slowly in, slowly out. He put his arms around himself. Adam was here. Nothing bad was going to happen because Adam was here.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken Open

**Author's Note:**

> Most depressing writing experience I have ever had. But I am such a big fan of hurt/comfort, and I had to try this.

Tommy was cold. 

His jacket was lying on the ground somewhere. He tried to look at it but he couldn’t see it. 

A hand came to rest on the back of his neck. It was hurting him a little but he didn’t dare to shrug it off. He pressed his palm against the wall in front of him. There were cigarettes lying at his feet. He counted them through his bangs. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Some of them were not even smoked entirely. He heard a sound behind him. He closed his eyes. He thought of Adam. 

Adam. 

Adam and the smile around his lips the stars in his eyes the way he could tilt his head and look at him like he knew everything he could never hope to hide the rings the bracelets the gloves their knees touching under the table his laugh over the phone that almost-kiss under the stairs in a club what was its name? something spanish or italian he didn’t really know but adam had almost kissed him there almost kissed him and he remembered everything the fingers against his jaw the red lights in his hair on his face his mouth so close so close but he had turned away had turned the moment into something else and he wanted, he wanted -- 

A curse. Fingers tightening their grip. Releasing him. Sounds. Movements. Tommy held his breath. Didn’t move. Thought of Adam. It was over. It was over. He was alone.

*

He needed to go home. He needed to go home and take a shower and call Adam. He needed to call Adam.

There were people on the streets. They looked at him, they all looked at him. He was sure they all looked at him. He wrapped his arms around himself. It was cold. He had left his jacket. He had forgotten to pick it up. It was lying among the cigarettes and someone was going to take it. It was his favourite jacket. It was a fifteen minute walk to his apartment and he was cold. But he didn’t want to go back. He couldn’t go back. He was cold. He needed to call Adam. 

He walked. Familiar streets, unfamiliar people. He was home. He walked up the steps to the door. He bit his fingers. _His keys._ His keys were in his jacket. He couldn’t go back to get his jacket. He rested his forehead against the door. His fingers clawed at the wood. He wasn’t going to cry. He was going to call Adam. He was going to call Adam and all was going to be fine.

Adam picked up. He sounded happy. “Hey”, he said. “Hey Tommy, what’s up?”

“I lost my keys”, Tommy said in the phone. “I can’t go home.” 

“Oh”, said Adam. “Where are you? You can stay here.” 

Tommy breathed his relief against the door. “Okay”, he said. “I’ll take a cab. Yeah?”

“Tommy.” Adam sounded different now. “Are you okay? Where are you?”

“I’ll take a cab”, Tommy repeated. “Okay? Can you wait for me? What time is it? I’ll be quick, okay?” 

“Tommy,” Adam said. “Hey. I can pick you up if you tell me where you are.” 

“No, no, it’s cold here. But you’ll wait, yeah?”

“I will, Tommy. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Okay,” Tommy said. “Okay.”

And he hung up.

*

Adam buzzed him in. Tommy walked up the stairs. He was tired and cold and he needed a shower.

The door opened. Tommy looked at Adam's feet. He was wearing black woollen socks.

“You’re shaking,” Adam said. 

Tommy’s arms were wrapped around himself.

“I’m fine,” he said. “I’m fine.”

Adam’s hand closed around his arm. He took him into the living room. There were pictures there. Of people. Of places. Mostly of people. Tommy knew because he had counted them before. There were nine pictures of people. Only three of places. And one of a dog. He liked that picture. It was his favourite. 

“Sit down,” Adam said. “I’ll get you something to wear, okay? It’s going to be too big for you, though.” 

“Yeah. Okay,” Tommy said. “Can I – I’m cold. Can I take a shower? Maybe? I won’t be long, okay?” 

Adam crouched down in front of him. He put his hands to the side of his knees. His thumbs were making small movements there. He wasn’t wearing a necklace. That was strange. Adam was always wearing a necklace. Always. 

“Hey,” Adam said. “Look at me. Tommy. Hey.”

Tommy did. Adam wasn’t wearing any make up. He moved a hand from his knee to his shoulder. He was wearing a leather bracelet. Tommy thought it was the one he had bought in Toronto that time. He didn’t wear it a lot. 

“Tommy.” Adam used his quiet voice. He used the quiet voice when something bad was going to happen. But nothing bad was going to happen. He was with Adam and nothing bad was going to happen. 

Tommy looked at him again. 

“What happened? Did something happen? Hm? Where’s your jacket?”

“I left it,” said Tommy. “I forgot to pick it up. I left it. That’s stupid, huh? Nobody forgets their jacket. Can I take a shower?”

“Of course you can,” Adam said. But he didn’t let him go. He kept sitting before him with a hand on his leg and another on his cheek, now. Tommy didn’t dare to push him away and get up. He really wanted to take a shower.

“But if something happened to you I want to know it, okay?” Adam said. “You can tell me. You would tell me, right?” 

“Yeah. Of course. But nothing happened. I would tell you but nothing happened, okay? I’ll – I’ll – I’m just tired. And cold.”

“It’s warm in here. You shouldn’t still be cold,” Adam said. “Alright, I’m going to see if I have some extra blankets while you shower, okay? I’ll get you some clothes as well. There’s towels and toothbrushes in the cupboard under the sink, but you know that. Do you want me to make you some tea?”

“No,” Tommy said. “I’d like to sleep. If that’s okay? What time is it?”

“It’s past midnight,” Adam said. “You can sleep, no problem. I’ll find you something to sleep in. Come on.” 

Tommy went to the bathroom. He locked the door behind him. Adam’s bathroom was small. It smelled like lavender. There were no pictures there. 

He undressed and stepped under the shower. The water was warm on his skin. Finally warm. He closed his eyes. He saw the man. Felt his fingers on his hip. The wall against his hand it was a hard wall a cold wall it was a cold night. His eyes snapped open. He breathed out, slowly, slowly. Slowly in, slowly out. He put his arms around himself. Adam was here. Nothing bad was going to happen because Adam was here. He bit his lip. He tasted blood. He closed his eyes again. Saw the man again. Brown eyes, long hair. No. He shook his head. Adam was here. Adam was here. Adam with his woollen socks and no necklace. Adam with a leather bracelet from Toronto. Adam’s fingers making circles on his leg. Adam’s towels and soap and shampoo. Adam’s fingers making circles on his leg. 

He wanted to sleep. 

He got out of the shower. Adam had put fresh clothes in front of the door. Tommy put them on. Most of it was too big for him, but they were nice and soft. 

Adam had put on the light in the guestroom. Tommy opened the door. There were blankets at the foot of the bed. He touched them. The fabric tickled against his skin. He stood there and played with a corner of the blankets. He turned around. 

Adam was lying on his bed playing with his iPhone. He looked up when Tommy opened the door a little wider. 

“Good shower?” he asked

“Yeah. Uh. Can I maybe – Uh. Sleep with you? If – If – I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to, I just—”

Adam smiled. It was a quick, little smile. “Sure,” he said. “My bed’s big enough for two.” 

Tommy stepped closer. Adam was right. His bed was big enough for two. Maybe even big enough for three. He lifted the covers and slid underneath them. They were dark green with little black stars. He pulled them up to his chin. 

Adam’s hand touched his hair. 

“I’m going to brush my teeth,” he said. He got up and left the bedroom. 

Tommy was lying on his back with his arms at his sides. He looked at the ceiling and the curtains and the light coming from the bathroom. He turned his head and he saw a small desk against the wall with Adam’s rings on it and his necklaces and his bracelets. There were a lot of them. He looked at the ceiling again. He hoped Adam would come back soon. He was a bit cold. He had never slept in Adam’s bed before. He was glad Adam let him. He didn’t want to sleep alone. He didn’t want to sleep alone and think of how the man had taken off his jacket had thrown it on the ground had kissed him how he had let him kiss him had let him push him against the wall had let his hands wander up and under his shirt against his stomach how he had not protested. How he had not protested. 

Adam was back. 

“Here,” he said. 

He put one of the blankets from the guestroom over him and left another one at the foot of the bed. He took off his pants and his socks and his shirt. Tommy watched him. Adam opened his wardrobe and grabbed a black t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants. He put them on. He ran a hand through his hair. He scratched his neck. Tommy watched him. He removed the bracelet the leather bracelet from Toronto and threw it on the desk. He turned and looked at him. Tommy looked at the ceiling. 

“You good?” Adam asked and he got in bed. 

“Yeah,” Tommy said. “Thank you for the blankets.”

“It’s okay,” Adam said. He turned off the light. “Good night, Tommy.”

“Good night,” Tommy said. 

It was dark. Tommy didn’t know the time. Adam didn’t have an alarm clock. Adam had said it was past midnight. That could mean a lot of things. He wondered if his jacket was still lying outside. He thought of the cigarettes on the ground. He thought of how the man had kissed him. He had kissed him harder than he had liked but he hadn’t said anything. The man had been nice to him, he had bought him drinks and had said nice things about his hair and his lips and Tommy had shrugged had said okay when the man had asked him to go outside. 

And then.

The alley. The kisses. The fingers under his clothes. He hadn’t protested at first but then the man had squeezed him through his jeans and Tommy had pushed his hands away had said he didn’t want this. The man had pressed him hard against the wall had said you can’t stir me up all night and then expect me not to fuck you. I’m gonna fuck you and you’re gonna enjoy it, okay, pretty boy? Okay? And Tommy had nodded while he should have tried to run away he had kept his mouth shut while he should have shouted he had let the man push down his pants had let him turn him around had counted the cigarettes at his feet had tried to pretend he wasn’t there had tried to pretend he didn’t feel the fingers on his hip the hand on his neck. 

Tommy opened his eyes. He could hear his own breathing in the dark. In-out in-out in-out. Too quickly. Too quickly. He would wake Adam. He tried to calm down but all he could think of was the man. 

A hand reached out and closed around his arm, just above his elbow. Adam didn’t move, didn’t say anything, he just touched his arm. Tommy closed his eyes again. He focused on the hand and how warm it felt against his skin. Adam was holding his arm. Adam was keeping him here. He was with Adam now. He was with Adam.

*

He woke up.

It was still dark. Adam was asleep and his fingers were still curled around his arm. He was thirsty. He wanted to get a glass of water but he didn’t want to wake Adam. He lay still for a few minutes with his eyes open and wondered what time it was, how long he had slept. He was still thirsty. He turned his head and watched Adam. He was sound asleep. He gently pried away Adam’s fingers from his arm and got out of bed as quietly as he could. 

He knew his way around Adam’s apartment even in the dark. He went to the kitchen, turned on a light and helped himself to a glass of water. He went to the living room and curled up on the couch. The green digits on the DVD player told him it was half past three in the morning. It was too early to be up but he wasn’t tired. He knew he wasn’t going to sleep anymore. He was going to have to sit here until Adam woke up. 

He should’ve brought a blanket. 

He put his head on the arm rest and looked at the green digits. He watched the 2 turn into a 3 turn into a 4 turn into a 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. His feet were cold. He tucked them under a pillow but it didn’t help. A sound from behind him caught his attention. He sat up. Adam was standing in the doorway with tousled hair and sleepy eyes. 

“Can’t sleep?” he asked.

Tommy shook his head. 

“Did you sleep at all?” 

“Yeah. A few hours, I think.”

Adam yawned. “You should come back to bed. It’s warmer there.”

“I can’t sleep,” Tommy said.

“I know. We can talk. If you like? Do you want to talk?”

Tommy thought for a moment. “Okay.”

“Good. Come on then,” Adam said and Tommy walked behind him to his bedroom. 

He got under the covers again and watched Adam do the same. The sheets were a bit cold but at least they were warmer than the couch. He moved his pillow to the middle of the bed to where Adam was lying on his back. He curled on his side. Adam looked at him and wrapped an arm around him. Tommy moved a bit closer. Adam was warm. Like a heater. 

“You saw the guys tonight?” Adam asked. His fingers were making circles on his shoulder. 

Tommy made a sound that meant yes. 

“Yeah? Where’d you go?” Adam sounded casual. 

“That bar. You know? We went there for Monte’s birthday a few months ago.”

Adam was silent for a moment. “Was that the one with the movie posters on the walls?”

“Yeah.”

“Hm,” Adam said. 

It was silent for a while. 

“Did you stay there all the time?”

“Yeah. What time is it?”

“I don’t know. Four o’clock? I thought David didn’t like that place?”

Tommy put his face a bit closer to Adam. “Yeah. No. He – uh. He left. To uh – to a club. The one with the rotating dance floor. You know?”

“You love that place, don’t you?” Adam asked. “Didn’t you go with him?”

“No. I didn’t – uh. I stayed. Do you want to sleep? I could – uh. Sit in the living room? I’ll take a blanket.”

He moved up and away but Adam grabbed his arm. “Tommy. I want you to stay here. Okay? I don’t want to sleep.” 

Adam pulled him back next to him. He wrapped an arm around him again. “Why did you stay?” 

“Because I wanted to. I wanted to stay. I was – there was. I was talking to someone.”

“Yeah? Who was it?” 

Tommy shifted a bit closer. “I don’t know. A guy. He was – A guy. I don’t know his name.” 

“Hm. So, you were talking to a guy. Was he nice?”

Tommy moved even closer until his face was pressed against Adam’s shirt. It smelled like fabric softener, like flowers. Adam’s hand moved to his hair. He stroked it for a while and then let it rest in his neck. His fingers caressed the skin there.

“Was he nice, Tommy? Hm?”

Tommy breathed in, out, in. “I don’t know.” 

Adam made a sound as if he had been sucking in his lip and was releasing it. His fingers didn’t stop moving against his neck. Tommy buried his face deeper in the flower-scented fabric and Adam wrapped his other arm around his body. 

“Tommy,” he finally said. “I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to reply honestly, okay?”

Tommy nodded. He was biting his lip. 

“Can you do that?”

Tommy nodded again. 

“This guy. Did he hurt you?” 

Tommy thought of the drinks the kisses the brick wall against his back. He thought of the cigarettes his jacket the cold. He thought of how the man had traced his lips with his thumb had said I love your mouth. He thought of how he had smiled how he had wanted the man to kiss him. How the man had said you can’t stir me up all night and then expect me not to fuck you.

“Tommy? Hey.”

Adam was gently pushing him away. His hand was gripping Tommy’s shoulder and his eyes were big and serious when Tommy looked at him. 

“He hurt you, didn’t he?”

Adam was using the quiet voice again. Tommy buried his face in his pillow and bit on the knuckles of his fingers. He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t going to cry. He drew a long shuddering breath. In, out, in, out. 

“Tommy Tommy Tommy,” Adam was saying. He felt him scooting closer and he let Adam wrap his arms around him and pull him against him. Adam’s chin was resting on his head and his arms were making long slow movements on his back. His knuckles were going to bleed. He wasn’t going to cry. 

Except that he already was. It was stupid he shouldn’t be crying he had let it happen he had let the man touch him and fuck him he should’ve run away said no said no until the man would have stopped and left him alone. He shouldn’t be crying. 

“Shhh,” Adam was saying. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

But it wasn’t okay it was his own fault he should have run away. He should have run away. 

He tried to explain this to Adam, he tried to tell him that he didn’t deserve his arms and the stroking of his hands and the soothing whispers in his hair because it was his own fault. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t breathe he could only cry cry cry against Adam’s shirt against the fingers in his mouth and his knuckles were going to bleed. 

Adam kept holding him kept stroking his back kept saying sweet nonsense and Tommy took a deep breath took another deep breath wiped his face with his hand. 

He said, “It wasn’t his fault. I let him, Adam, I let him and – and he was flirting with me before and I liked it and I – he – he took me outside and I – I let him. But I didn’t – I didn’t want to.”

“Tommy. This isn’t your fault, okay? Look at me. Hey, look at me. This isn’t your fault.” Adam was looking at him sternly. Tommy bit his lip and wiped at his eyes. 

“Did he—” Adam asked, then started again. “Did he use protection?” His hand was on his shoulder again. 

Tommy shrugged. “Uh – I don’t know. Yeah. I think – Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Yeah I’m sure.”

Adam breathed out. “Okay. Good. That’s good. Does it hurt? Do you want me to get you something? We could call somebody, uh—”

Tommy shook his head. “No, it’s - I’m okay. It – it doesn’t hurt. Much. I mean – you don’t have to – I’m okay.”

“Okay. But we need to go to the police tomorrow, okay? Do you remember what he looked like?”

Tommy sat up. “No,” he said. “No police, Adam, please. He wasn’t – I should’ve just run away, you know? Or – or – kicked him. Or, I don’t know. He didn’t—”

Adam pushed him down on to his back again. He leaned over him and pressed a hand to his chest. Tommy looked up at him. He had never seen Adam like this before. His eyes were hard and they never were. 

“You got to stop saying that, okay? You didn’t want it, did you?”

“No, but—” 

“And you told him? Did you tell him to stop?”

“Yeah, but he didn’t – he said I had been stirring him up all night. And – and he had been nice to me, you know? He had bought me drinks.”

Adam closed his eyes and removed his hand from Tommy’s chest to rub his face with it. “Okay, listen. You told him to stop and he didn’t stop. It doesn’t matter what happened before that, you could have given him a lap dance for all I care. You wanted him to stop and he didn’t. Okay? If someone’s nice to you, you don’t have to repay them in _any_ way, you hear me?”

Tommy nodded. Mostly because he didn’t dare to protest against Adam when he was like this. Adam’s eyes softened. 

“Don’t blame yourself for this. I mean it, Tommy.”

“Okay.”

“And tomorrow we’re going to the police.”

Tommy chewed on his lip. 

Adam looked at him and combed his fingers through his hair. “I’m not going to let anybody get away with hurting you.” He sat up and rubbed his cheeks with his hands. “My god. If I get my hands on that son of a bitch, I swear to god…” 

He sighed. Tommy watched him. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. 

“I’m going to make some tea,” Adam said. “Do you want some?”

“Okay, yeah.”

Adam got out of bed. Tommy looked at him and then at the ceiling when he was gone. Adam thought it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know if it wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t liked the touching but he had liked the flirting. But maybe Adam was right. Maybe the man should have just listened to him when he had told him he didn’t want it. He didn’t really know. He wanted to stop thinking.

He got out of bed and went to the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway. The apartment was cold. He watched Adam prepare the tea with a frown on his face. Tommy chewed his lip. He didn’t want Adam to be upset over him. 

“Adam?” he said. Adam looked at him and the frown melted off his face. 

“I didn’t hear you,” he said. 

Tommy stepped closer. “I’m sorry. For…” He waved his fingers in the air. 

“For what?”

Tommy looked down. “For coming here in the middle of the night. And upsetting you. You can go back to sleep, if you want. I’ll stay here and read… something, I don’t know.”

Adam smiled and reached out a hand. “Come here.” 

Tommy did. He stepped into the circle of Adam’s arms and buried his face against his shoulder. He didn’t understand how Adam could be so warm all the time. 

“You don’t have to apologise,” Adam said. “I’m not upset. Well, I am, but not _with_ you. I’m upset _for_ you. I hate it that someone hurt you. I don’t want that to happen. Ever.”

Tommy sighed. “I left my jacket.”

“In the bar?” 

“No, outside.”

Adam was quiet for a moment. “I can take a look tomorrow, see if it’s still there?”

“Yeah. Okay.” 

Adam pressed a kiss against his hair and let go of him. “Okay, tea.”

Tommy leaned against the counter and watched Adam rummaging through the cabinets.

“Do you think they could catch him?” Tommy asked. He plucked at the hem of his t-shirt. “If – uh – if I went to the police?”

Adam turned around. “I don’t know. I hope so. So, you want to go then?”

Tommy looked at him and chewed on the inside of his cheek. “I don’t know. Maybe. You’ll come with me, yeah?”

“Of course.”

“Okay. I’ll – I’ll think about it. Is that okay?” 

Adam filled two mugs with hot water and handed him one. Tommy closed his hands around it. “Sure. You can think about it.” 

“Okay. Hey, Adam?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

Adam reached out to softly squeeze his fingers. “No need to thank me. You want to wait and watch the sunrise?”

“Yeah, sure,” Tommy said.

Adam grabbed a blanket and they settled on the couch. Tommy tucked his feet under his legs and leaned against Adam. He wanted to borrow as much of that warmth as he could. It made him feel a little bit better. He rested his head against Adam’s shoulder and closed his eyes. Ten minutes later he was fast asleep.

-end-


End file.
